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Фамильяр

Соавторы: shiky29
Беты (редакторы): Hermis

Фэндом: Роулинг Джоан «Гарри Поттер», Гарри Поттер (кроссовер)
Основные персонажи: Гарри Поттер (Мальчик-Который-Выжил)

Рейтинг: R
Жанры: Гет, Джен, Юмор, Повседневность, POV, AU, Стёб
Предупреждения: OOC, Нецензурная лексика
Размер: Мини
Статус: закончен

 

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— Гаррриии… — томный вздох над ухом перерос в неконтролируемое землетрясение балла в четыре по шкале Рихтера.

— Блядь, Луна, ну сколько можно, а? — Засунув голову под подушку, перевернулся на другой бок, как бы случайно спихнув подругу на пол. Лавгуд ойкнула, но поползновений не прекратила.

— Вставай-просыпайся! — заорала неугомонная блондинка прямо в ухо, изрядно оглушив. Экстремальная побудка…

— Ну что тебе, болезная ранняя пташка? — со стоном сел на кровати, вперив укоряющий взгляд в будильник наргловского производства.

— Вот, — мне протянули небольшую плотно закрытую коробку с мелкими вентиляционными отверстиями. Cудя по кривоватым узорам — явно набитыми шаловливыми ручками Луны лично.

— И что это? — Серый свет за окном и стук капель по подоконнику — на улице очередной осенний дождь. Погода, как всегда, радует. Душераздирающий зевок закончился недовольным стоном — меня бесцеремонно ткнули острым локотком под ребра, привлекая внимание.

— Не отвлекайся, Гарри! Это самая нужная тебе вещь! — Опасный огонек в прозрачных глазах подруги намекал (да нет, просто вопил) о грядущих неприятностях. Нащупал на тумбочке очки, нацепил на нос и активировал. На всякий случай…

— М-да? — С огромным сомнением потыкал в картонку пальцем. Упаковка плотная, покрыта кучей защитных чар. Причем, некоторые мощностью могут поспорить с устанавливаемой на клетки опасных животных XXXX класса. Вряд ли, конечно, в столь маленькой коробочке находится грифон: чар расширения, привязки подпространственного кармана или капсулирования я не обнаружил. Правда, и чудовищ того же класса опасности, но столь мелкого размера не припоминаю. — И что же там?

— Твой будущий фамильяр, Гарри! — радостно сообщила эта… детская непосредственность. Кружевные стринги Мерлина, такой поворот гениален даже для Луны! Пиздец, ну откуда у нее с утра пораньше столь дикие идеи, а?

— И нахрена мне, стесняюсь спросить, фамильяр? Как-то жил все годы без «самой нужной вещи»… — Еще разок зевнув и потянувшись, все-таки соскреб не выспавшуюся тушку с кровати и, по широкой дуге обойдя радостно чирикавшую про вентиляционные дырочки коробки Лавгуд, потопал в ванну.

Теперь еще изобретать план «Почему именно мне не нужен никакой фамильяр. Вообще никакой.»… Мордред, дай сил проснуться окончательно, чтоб мозги вышли на обычные рабочие мощности… Залез в душ и, задернув шторку, на полную мощность мрачно выкрутил кран с холодной водой. И едва не заорал от такого подарка с высокогорных ледников. Блядь! Это… Что-то я погорячился. Уф… Уф… Зато проснулся. Экстремально вышло. Бррр…

— Гаррри! Фамильяр поможет тебе! Он оттянет на себя часть твоей свободной магии! Количество всплесков уменьшится! Я гений, правда? — Луна бесцеремонно отодвинула шторку душа. И с визгом отскочила от струи ледяной воды, мстительно направленной из смесителя моей недрогнувшей рукой в ее сторону.

— Луна, ты прекрасно знаешь: одного магического животного для полноценной стабилизации магии мне не хватит, — я вернул штору на место и выровнял температуру воды до приемлемой. — А заводить зоопарк в мои ближайшие планы на жизнь не входит.

— Гарри! Но после привязки фамильяр одарит тебя одной из своих способностей! Это же круто! — восхитилась Луна собственной гениальности. Я мрачно хмыкнул, смывая шампунь.

— Угу, что же ты себе еще не завела столь полезную животинку?

— Я не могу, — преувеличенно печально вздохнула блондинка. Я прям поверил. Сразу. — Я редко бываю дома, а с моей работой таскать за собой несчастное создание негуманно.

— Зато гуманно предлагать это «несчастное сознание» мне. — Отфыркавшись от воды, выполз из душа. Пока вытирался жестким полотенцем, прищурившись, рассматривал печальную мордашку горе-актрисы. Мерлин, ну что с ней поделаешь? — Ладно, чего ты там приперла в очередной раз?

— Угадай, — мгновенно переключившись на игривое настроение, захлопала ресничками Лавгуд.

— Луна… — вздохнув, принял правила игры. А что делать? Это же Лавгуд… — Ладно, это … Змея? — Ну, как самое очевидное, учитывая специфические умения Гарри Поттера типа парлсентанга.

— Фи… Не интересно, Гарри. Что змея тебе может дать еще? — Чего-чего… Договориться я с ней смогу, в отличие от остальных тварей наших меньших.

— Тепловое зрение, например…

— Ага! А еще яйца откладывать научишься! В песочек! — радостно закивала подруга. Добрая ты, слов нет. — Давай, попробуй еще разок! Ты наверняка догадаешься!

— Сова? — Мне страшно представить глубину фантазии Лавгуд. Марианская впадина отдыхает… А уж что там за подводные монстры плавают… Еще нарвешься на левиафана с очень, ОЧЕНЬ серьезными намерениями.

— Фии… Что тебе сова может предложить? Умение ловить мышей? Или почту разносить?

— Только не говори, что там переданная лично Невиллом дочка любимого Тревора…

— Ха-ха-ха… Даже не смешно. Думаю, у тебя нет желания мечтать о вкусном жирном комаре, сидя на болотной кочке…

— Может, хорек?

— Тебе Драко в школе было мало? — удивленно приподняв выщипанные бровки и поправив миниатюрный халатик, поинтересовалась волшебница. Она права, Хорек достал меня еще в школе, а сейчас регулярно ездит по ушам при редких встречах.

— Ну… Может, там котенок? Книзл?

— Хочешь уметь вылизывать себе яйца?

— Блядь, Луна, ну и фантазии у тебя… – Поморщившись, ушел одеваться и уже из гардеробной буркнул.

— Все, фантазия кончилась. Сдаюсь. Что ты там приволокла такого ценного?

— Это… — Лавгуд изящным движением палочки сняла чары с коробки. Крышка открылась, и моему вниманию предстал…

— Хомяк? — достав за шкирку индифферентно жующего упитанного черно-белого щекастого грызуна и скептически его обозрев, перевел крайне удивленный взгляд на Лавгуд. Нет, животинка с точки зрения женщины, может, и милая, но… — Скажи-ка мне, подруга, чем я пред тобой настолько провинился… Нет, даже не так. Чем перед тобой провинился этот бедный комок меха, что ты предложила мне его в фамильяры? Его ж разорвет от попытки привязки…

— Не разорвет. Хомяк уникальный, Хагрид вывел специально для тебя… — радостно заблестела глазами долбанутая равенкловка. Как хорошо, что я не знаю, какие мысли в ее светлой голове сейчас бродят…

— О, тут и Хагрид отметился… — Нет. Мордред, нет! Мне уже не интересны сверхспособности суперхомяка. Если к делу его сотворения приложил ручищу лесник Хога, мне реально страшно находиться в одном помещении с… этим. — Поня-я-я-ятно… Спасибо, родная, пойду посмотрю…

— Что?

— Что у него внутри, естественно. После соплохвостов я как-то не доверяю Хагриду. Да и сломанную лапку у Малфоиша еще хорошо помню… Так что… Сейчас возьму скальпель, и с удовольствием поизучаю новую магическую фауну отечественного производства, — обстоятельно пояснил, неся индифферентного к внешним раздражителям страшного зверя в лабораторию. Естественно, через пару секунд после осознания недалекой судьбы забракованного фамильяра, Луна вырвала животинку из рук и отпрыгнула от как можно дальше, пряча потенциальную жертву вивисектора-Поттера за хрупкой спиной.

— Как ты можешь! — выдавила скупую слезу эта актриса погорелого театра. — Он же такой маленький, такой миленький, такой пушистенький…

— Вот и бери его себе… — Лавгуд надулась, но аргументов не нашла. Добьем маленько. — Мне, знаешь ли, очень интересно, как он устроен… — Завернувшись в халат, отправился завтракать. Похоже, вопрос с нежданным фамильяром можно считать закрытым. За нехваткой доказательной базы. — Боюсь, не удержусь и вскрою… Чисто в научных целях…

Конец.

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